cake wrecks? i think not...

i've been dabbling in cake decorating for about a year now. i just recently took a second class and thought i'd share with you my creations...

brandon couldn't wait for me to take a pic before he dug into this one.

i did this one for my birthday.

death

i went to a funeral today for brandon's great-great-aunt. i know that sounds crazy but we actually saw her at family functions about 5-10 times a year. brandon's family is pretty close, moreso than mine. it would take me a minute to think about who my great-great-aunt is, not to mention if they are still alive. anyways, i was surprised by how much the funeral affected me. when we first got there i started to feel very nervous and on the verge of tears. i cannot stand to look at dead people. not really sure why but i would rather curl up into a ball in the corner of the room than actually lay eyes on someone in a casket. i just can't take it. anyways, everything was going fine until they were about to close the casket and people were asked to say their goodbye's. i had this overwhelming feeling of sorrow and pain and hurting. not for me, but for her family. her kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. i couldn't help but cry. plus, i'm already a lightweight when it comes to crying so i had to just let it flow.

anyways, during the actual funeral i was again overwhelmed by others' pain. there was a part when people were allowed to just get up and say whatever about her. it was so touching to see some of the family get up there and share their love. i think one of the reasons i love being a therapist is that i love raw human emotion. it's hard to feel such intensity at times but i just absolutely love it. some of the words to the music were so touching as well. it made me think of my own life. my own family. how valuable family is to me. how i miss my family that lives far away. how i want to be near them but that would mean being far away from the family that is here. this is one of the hardest things because my family lives in two separate places and i am forced to choose which one i am close to. how can one make this choice? not only that but family isn't always what you want it to be. just because family means so much to me doesn't mean that it means so much to my family. i'm not saying that my family is like that, at least not all of them, so those of you reading this don't get your panties in a bunch! i'm just saying that sometimes your family isn't what you want them to be and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just makes a relationship difficult at times.

as i listened to her family speak i thought about the strength of family. a close family has so much power. i have marveled at the wonder of a close family coming together to help each other out. it's quite wonderful. it's this sense of community. of belonging. of duty to help and protect one another. a sense that you've got the support and love of special people who got yo' back.

another thing that came to mind was the last funeral i went to. i was reminded of the intense emotions that i felt during that time and the beautiful words spoken at that service. many of the same people were at the funeral today and as i looked around i remembered their comments that day and could not help but break down. it was so sad. i was so sad.

lastly, i thought of my own grandfather. i received a phone call from my mother last night stating that he was not doing well and is basically waiting for the end to come. at today's funeral, i thought about being at my grandpa's funeral in the very near future. i thought about my family there too and the pain and grief we would feel. i thought about when i last saw him, about a month ago, that he didn't know my name and he barely looked at me. i'm not even sure he knew who i was (i cried a lot that day too:) in a lot of ways i've already lost my grandpa but there is more loss to come.

i didn't mean for this to be a debbie downer post, i just had to share my thoughts with someone/something and my blog was the first to appear.