death

i went to a funeral today for brandon's great-great-aunt. i know that sounds crazy but we actually saw her at family functions about 5-10 times a year. brandon's family is pretty close, moreso than mine. it would take me a minute to think about who my great-great-aunt is, not to mention if they are still alive. anyways, i was surprised by how much the funeral affected me. when we first got there i started to feel very nervous and on the verge of tears. i cannot stand to look at dead people. not really sure why but i would rather curl up into a ball in the corner of the room than actually lay eyes on someone in a casket. i just can't take it. anyways, everything was going fine until they were about to close the casket and people were asked to say their goodbye's. i had this overwhelming feeling of sorrow and pain and hurting. not for me, but for her family. her kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. i couldn't help but cry. plus, i'm already a lightweight when it comes to crying so i had to just let it flow.

anyways, during the actual funeral i was again overwhelmed by others' pain. there was a part when people were allowed to just get up and say whatever about her. it was so touching to see some of the family get up there and share their love. i think one of the reasons i love being a therapist is that i love raw human emotion. it's hard to feel such intensity at times but i just absolutely love it. some of the words to the music were so touching as well. it made me think of my own life. my own family. how valuable family is to me. how i miss my family that lives far away. how i want to be near them but that would mean being far away from the family that is here. this is one of the hardest things because my family lives in two separate places and i am forced to choose which one i am close to. how can one make this choice? not only that but family isn't always what you want it to be. just because family means so much to me doesn't mean that it means so much to my family. i'm not saying that my family is like that, at least not all of them, so those of you reading this don't get your panties in a bunch! i'm just saying that sometimes your family isn't what you want them to be and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just makes a relationship difficult at times.

as i listened to her family speak i thought about the strength of family. a close family has so much power. i have marveled at the wonder of a close family coming together to help each other out. it's quite wonderful. it's this sense of community. of belonging. of duty to help and protect one another. a sense that you've got the support and love of special people who got yo' back.

another thing that came to mind was the last funeral i went to. i was reminded of the intense emotions that i felt during that time and the beautiful words spoken at that service. many of the same people were at the funeral today and as i looked around i remembered their comments that day and could not help but break down. it was so sad. i was so sad.

lastly, i thought of my own grandfather. i received a phone call from my mother last night stating that he was not doing well and is basically waiting for the end to come. at today's funeral, i thought about being at my grandpa's funeral in the very near future. i thought about my family there too and the pain and grief we would feel. i thought about when i last saw him, about a month ago, that he didn't know my name and he barely looked at me. i'm not even sure he knew who i was (i cried a lot that day too:) in a lot of ways i've already lost my grandpa but there is more loss to come.

i didn't mean for this to be a debbie downer post, i just had to share my thoughts with someone/something and my blog was the first to appear.

i suck

at keeping up on my blog. but i was able to change the background since my old one expired or something. anyways, i'm waiting on pictures from other people to post some stuff....so sorry.

blah blah blah

in case you haven't noticed i have been really uninspired to post anything. i've just not been in the mood. well, now i'm in the mood i just don't have anything to say so i'm going to make this one up as i go. in less than a week, i'll have made the voyage to the motherland. north dakota, that is. my maternal grandfather's side of the family is having a reunion. my grandpa was the fifth child of seventeen so you can imagine just how many people will be there. for this reason, we only meet for a reunion every five years. people come from all around the world. what amazes me is how the family started on this itsy bitsy farm in the middle of nowhere, miles from civilization, five miles uphill both ways in 4 feet of snow, but has now grown and spread to reach many parts of the globe. wow, that sounds dramatic, but it just amazes me. anyways, i'm super duper excited to see my family. i'll definitely have some pics to post!

currently though, i'm sitting in my parents' living room. my brother is peeling potatoes and my mother is preparing what may very well be the best, most delicious meal ever as i sit in anticipation for the wonderful german food i'm about to eat. strudels. mmmmmmm.

k, so (not to be confused with queso) my brother is threatening a strike so i'd better go help him peel potatoes...

the dangers of wearing flippy floppys

one of my all-time fav songs is "fishin' in the dark" by the nitty gritty dirt band. i've loved it since the first time i heard it foreva ago. anyways, when i heard they were going to be performing at some local fair (maybe 5ish years ago??) i had to go. so, my mom, brother and i drove out to south jordan early so we could take in the fair before the concert. we were leisurely walking around admiring the people, festivities and the surroundings. (stick with this post, i swear it's getting to a point!) we then found the show animals. oh, the lovely show animals. horses, sheep, cows, etc. we strolled down the aisle between the stalls when ALL. OF. A. SUDDEN., because i wasn't looking down, i had animal caca on my foot! it must have been there for awhile because it was kinda cold. i had walked right into it and ended up somehow scooping it up on my foot. since i was wearing flip flops i had poopoo squishing in between my toes!!! my mom and brother couldn't stop laughing and i have to admit that i was embarrassed and flabbergasted. how does something like this happen?

anyways, we quickly found a water spout so i was able to rinse my foot off. we enjoyed the concert and i scrubbed my foot with lots of soap when i got home. now, i love flip flops just as much as the next person-if not more-i just walk a little more carefully when i wear them now.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

a thought just occurred to me. a single thought that turned into many thoughts which is now turning into this blog. i have had many endings and beginnings in my life. i'm sure you all have too. it's kind of a natural occurrence as a person grows and moves through their life. i was thinking of a particular ending when i was 15 years old and how i did not realize the significance of that event nor its ending back then. it wasn't until now that i thought about how that ending set the stage for many endings to come. it certainly wasn't the first ending in my life and not even close to most significant, but it got me thinking of how much a person must adapt to changes. things ending while others begin. it happens all the time. even without our awareness or wanting.

on this particular day, shortly after my 15th birthday, i had just boarded a greyhound bus in jamestown, nd. i was going home after a summer away. away from most things i had known. my parents, my siblings, my friends and my home. i had been staying with my aunt and uncle, working in the hotel that they were managing at the time. it was a wonderful experience and i am grateful that my parents trusted me enough to allow me to go. i learned a lot that summer but didn't realize it or even think about it until now. that summer was one of the best summers i had growing up.

anyways, as the bus drove away i started to cry. why, i wasn't sure at the time. i was excited to go home. my family was moving into a new house and i was starting high school in a few weeks. ok, so i was nervous too about all the changes that had taken place while i was gone but also very glad to be getting back to normal. but i had formed these great relationships and i didn't want to leave them behind knowing they would not stay the same. that summer i had so much freedom, with my parents being over 1,000 miles away it was difficult to keep them in the loop. i had met so many interesting people that have definitely influenced me throughout the years in different ways. i guess it was the mix of emotions that finally got to me as the bus pulled away. it was the ending of a very important event in my life and the beginning of a new adventure at home.

i hated that bus ride. the people were so weird and scary! i was terrified. i even considered getting off the bus somewhere in montana and calling my parents to come pick me up. i didn't think i could handle one more second of it. but, in the end i sucked it up and got back on the bus knowing the inconvenience it would have been for them. i was lucky to not have to sit next to someone most of the way. until we reached ogden and the bus filled up. an old, stinky, dirty, dingy guy asked if he could sit by me. he even called me "sweetie" which freaked me out even more. i remember staring out of the window the whole time trying not to smell him, see him, hear him, or touch him. i couldn't have been more happy to get to the depot in salt lake. ugh, was i glad to be back. i haven't ridden the bus since! alas, i digress.

so, here i am in the midst of a new beginning. graduation marked the ending of my life as a student. now, i've got my license and have started seeing clients helping them through their life's transitions. i truly love the work i do, although it does have its moments, it is something i have dreamt about for a long time. i just can't help but think about the summer i spent as a housekeeper in teeny, tiny jamestown.

i'm grossed out

so, today i was enjoying the morning by laying in bed, surfing the net, and waiting to get lady gaga tix when the pre-sales starts. that is until i had dr. oz on the tv (which is weird cuz i hate watching that show and i don't like him so much and always change the channel!) and he showed both a uterus and penis from a cadaver for illustrative purposes. wtf! nice start to the day.

pre-grad celebration and visit to the sunshine state

the cohort got together for a pre-graduation get together at an amazing italian pizza restaurant. here are "the girls" (minus Beta who now lives in FL and is featured later in this blog:) with sweet baby Camilla. we love being surrogate aunties!

the next day i traveled to florida to visit Beta and her lil fam. her little guy, felipe is sooo adorable and full of energy. here they are at the beach. i'm shocked felipe doesn't have sand dripping out of his mouth. he insisted on eating it. he would try to find hiding places where he could eat the sand. it was super cute. felipe and i spent the weekend learning from each other. he taught me portuguese, while i taught him english. and you know the saying "that's my name, don't wear it out"? well, i'm pretty sure he wore my name out that weekend. i can't even count how many times he said my name. check out that grin:)

i'm thinking this is a dead jelly fish. i've never seen one in the wild, dead or alive. it was kinda cool. i'm glad it was dead.

we drove to st. augustine which is like the oldest city in the US or something. the spanish conquistadors discovered it (ponce de leon to be exact) and preceeded to fight with england and portugal for dibs. i think anyways...and i'm too lazy to wikipedia it so i'm going to go with it. now, it's a wonderful tourist trap and very loverly. they even have ghost tours and hearse rides. of course they also have horse-drawn carriages if riding in a hearse creeps you out like it does me!

this old building is a modern day college. i can't believe people actually go to school at such a beautiful and historic place.

the rotunda inside the college.

beautiful stained glass. such intricate details.

the old governor's mansion.

an old catholic church. i couldn't get in because they were having mass but i'm sure it's beautiful inside.

old mill. many of the buildings are very old but it's great to see such history. america is a relatively young country, especially the west so you it's not every day that you see stuff like this.

castillo de san marcos. the spanish fort to fight the enemies off.

such an interesting place.

st. augustine houses the fountain of youth. i was super disappointed that they were closed by the time we got there. i would have liked to have had some of that water! i remember learning about ponce de leon and the fountain of youth when i was in elementary school. so amazing for me to be in the places that i once learned about as a kid. makes me want to travel more to see the places that make up history. i loved it! the rest of my trip went wonderfully and it was so nice to see my friend and catch up. although i did miss my husband. and i think he missed me.